Mom, I am having a baby.

Words "I support you" on photo with pigeons on a telephone line.

Would these be the words

I have needed to hear to change my life?


My life.

Yes, my life.

It wasn’t quite what I thought it would be like. Not at this age. Not with this man.

I thought it would be…different.

I thought I would be…happy.

I thought…

I thought…

I thought I had meant my Prince Charming.

Yes, I thought…

Until the day I moved in with him…

That is when things began to change.

I heard that this often happened with middle of life relationships.
I had heard that people change once they “get you.” Once the “chase” is over.
I had heard that but I am smarter then other women. I am intuitive. I read people well. I am not easily fooled. That won’t happen to me.

Well. It did happen to me. He changed the minute I moved in with him. He changed.

So this day Sissy and New Husband whom I call The Kids, knew they needed to tell me that they were expecting a little one. They thought I might need to know this. They thought it might help me with decisions that I needed to make.

Decisions.

Yes, I needed to make decisions.

I needed to decide if I was going to stay in this relationship.
I needed to decide if I was going to move out in the middle of no where to a cattle ranch.
I needed to decide if I was really in a relationship that I could embrace for the rest of my life.
I needed to decide if I wanted to move away from my children, away from my friends, away from the state of California that I have grown to love.
I needed to decide what I would do for a living.
I needed to decide what I wanted my role as a Grandmother would be.
Would I be a distant Grandmother that my grandchildren would see during the holidays and for summer vacations. Or…did I want to be a Grandmother that knew my grandchild really well.
A grandmother that would be there when needed.
A grandmother that made it a point to see their grandchild on a weekly basis.

I needed to decide…

On a Journey

bird on rock at ocean

Your future is in front of you.

Don’t Know Where I am Heading

I am on a journey.

With me, I have packed…

Faith

Hope

Love

Grace

Humility

I hope to find on the way…

Friendship

Love

A new purpose

And when I find my new home to unpack my bags…

I will know that where I am, who I am with, and what I am doing…

Is totally because God led me there.

Join me on my journey….


Was it the Song?

Was it the song?
Was it the music?
Was it the thinking about all the memories of past churches?

I started thinking about the Presbyterian Church I attended in Long Beach when my kids were young….and all the memories there.

All the love.

All the wonderful people I meant there and I am still friends with.

Welllll….I recently reconnected with most of these people on facebook but I know that when we meet again in person, that love and friendship will be as strong as the last time I saw them. That is the way Christian love and friendship is….
365 Day Project: Presbyterian Church Pews--Filling My Gratitude Bucket | 2/365
I thought about where I was standing here at this church.
In this Presbyterian church with the pews and stained glass.

I was standing on the right side about six rows back; the same location I always stood at when I attended my old church in Long Beach.

I was thinking about the Sunday after my brother was killed and what I felt like…I felt like I was standing in that church all alone.

Well not alone,
I was with Him.
I was trying to understand why this had happened.
I was crying tears of grief knowing that my brothers life was taken for a reason.
It would be for me to discover that reason as life went on.
I would understood that reason as I am later able to relate with others who will loose a mother, father, sibling or a loved one.

I was standing there on the right side, six rows back at this new church listening to the music.
piano key pad

Knowing I had just put the largest plea…I mean prayer…out there.
Knowing I needed to be there at this church at this time.
Knowing I had to give all my faith to Him and He would lead me.
Knowing I would have to trust in the answers and the doors that He is about to put in front of me.

I could feel the tears start to gather.
This has happened before during singing (the tears)….no problem!
They will go away…those tears.
I will just stand here and not sing the words for a few minutes and the tears will go away.

I stood there…listening to the words in the songs.
The tears didn’t stop.
My vision became blurry.

Oh, my!

No tissue! No Sweatshirt!

My bottom lip began to tremble.
This is not going to be good!
These tears are going to flow no matter how hard I try to suppress them.

What should I do?
It is going to be very obvious if I leave but the tears are developing fast!

Quick! Grab your stuff and make a b-line for the side door!
Don’t look around!
Don’t make eye contact!
Just grab your stuff, hold back those tears and get out quick!

I got out of there!
I had my phone in hand ready to call Sissy (I needed to talk to someone) but hung up before I could press send. Sissy is a married woman now. It is Sunday, a day for her and new hubby to spend together. They don’t need a middle aged empty nest mom calling them. I started calling another friend but then…

“Hello? Are you ok?”, she said.

I was caught!
I didn’t escape unnoticed.

I clicked my phone off and relunctantly turned around.

Here came this lady waving a tissue.
She was waving a tissue!!!

“Are you ok?” she proceeded to say.

“Yep, I am fine!”

Now what? What do I do?
Do I keep walking?
I answered her question so I wouldn’t be rude if I kept walking.

That tissue. I could really, really use that tissue! I knew I didn’t have any tissue in my new car yet. Ok, I will stop for a second and grab the tissue and say thank you then be on my way.

So I thought!!!

She wasn’t going to let me just go.
Well she wasn’t holding me down so I could have just left.

She asked me again, “Are you ok?”

“I am fine,” I said.
“Just a few little life changes going on,” I proceeded to tell her.
“Nothing much!” I said, “the songs just touched me a little.” (Good answer, Pam, blame it on the songs!)

She asked me if she could pray with me.

Sure. Anytime someone wants to pray with me or for me I will take it!

I really don’t know what she prayed about because my mind wondered. I just know that during that time of her holding my hands and praying with me I once again felt His presence as I had so many times before. I felt that presence that I had been missing the last few years. I felt that presence that would reasure me that I would be ok.

I knew at that moment that He was back working with me.

Or is it that I finally was allowing Him back trusting in Him and having faith in Him?

The tissue lady continued to talk to me.
She did not seemed hurried to get back into the service.
She was there to listen to me if I wanted to share.
She was there to pray with me if I wanted to pray.
She was there to invite me into their church home baggage and all.
She was there to offer me friendship.
Doors- St Helena Church
The last thing she said, ” I will pray for you. I will pray that the biggest brightest door will open for you soon!” She said, “Please, please come back and please come join one of our ladies groups. No one should be on their own without a church family.”

I do believe I may be making a new step soon on this journey.
This journey of life.
Sure glad I am letting Him lead the way.
I don’t like leading by myself…that’s another lesson I have learned.

Have I found home again?
Is home wherever I am with Him?

Sidenote: The name of the new church I visited is Journey Presbyterian Church. Their tagline on their website is “Faith is a journey…not a destination!”

Glad I am not on this journey by myself! I have Him and all my wonderful loving friends and family! Thanks for being in my life! Thanks for being a part of my journey! Thank you to the tissue lady for reaching out!

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