It has been six months since I wrote the last story about my Dad.
That wasn’t my intention to let six months go without talking about him.
My Dad wants his story told and I want to tell it.
What has happened the last six months is: I have been very angry!
I have been angry because I don’t like seeing my Dad go through medical problems. It is not fair. He has had his share! Can’t he just enjoy life for a while?
I was angry because I was afraid my Dad was giving up because of the humiliation of the prostate cancer. I had never seen my Dad so down since his twenty year old son was killed.
You see, since that last post, he has undergone prostate surgery. I know a lot of men go through prostate surgery. I know that. I do! He has also had an incident in the hospital when all his vitals went crazy just a few months ago that I will talk about in another post.
You see this surgery was really hard on my Dad…emotionally. He has had a very hard time accepting the fact that he wouldn’t have control of his bodily fluids and may never have that control again. That has been hard on him. (And quite frankly it has been hard on me because my Dad has always been there for me…emotionally.)
Dad is macho in his 5’5″ body! A good macho…not the arrogant kind of macho. I will tell you some stories later about his macho or heroic acts that he has performed with his 5’5″ body.
Dad was not dealing with the fact that he may not ever have control over his bodily fluids.
BUT Dad, he is a trooper. He has made it through the surgery and the humiliation for the few months after as he kept Depends in business. He was a trooper.
Dad is a trooper. (I am not going to share any more about the surgery right now. I don’t think Dad is ready to share that whole story yet but I hope he will soon so that other men that may be going through the same surgery will know what it is like to deal with the physical and emotional obstacles they will go through.)
A few months after Dad’s prostate surgery, he had a PSA test done. The score came out high…again. #@%*#
I was angry.
The doctors said let’s just wait a little to see if the PSA number goes down….it might have been too soon after his prostate cancer surgery the doctors told us.
So we waited another month and had the test done again.
It came out high…again! @$%^&*
We don’t know where the cancer is. It could just be a little molecule floating around Dad’s body and hasn’t planted itself anywhere yet.
Now he is on hormone therapy. Hormone therapy is supposed to kill the cancer.
I will continue to pray. I will continue to work on my anger.
Dad says, “Don’t worry Pam, I still have work to do on this earth. My time hasn’t come.”
I am going to hold on to those words because….darn it! I AM NOT READY TO GIVE MY DAD AWAY!
I am not going to say these words to you yet, Dad!
I am not ready. I know I am a middle aged empty nest Mom but I still need you!
I am not ready to let go.
Love you, Dad!